


Have a Drink On Me

by fannyvonfabulus



Series: The Sexual Adventures of S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Pussy [5]
Category: Avengers (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: ALL THE DRUNK!!, Clint and Tony act like teenagers, DJ can't hold her liquor, Darcy is an evil best friend, Drunk Clint, Drunk Dialing, Drunk Phil Coulson, Drunk Texting, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, F/M, JARVIS has had enough of all their drunk shit, and neither can Phil, but not really, especially when there's bourbon involved, hangovers are a bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2014-02-22
Packaged: 2018-01-13 10:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1223116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannyvonfabulus/pseuds/fannyvonfabulus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>3 Times the Trio Got Drunk Without the Other 2 and the 1 Time They Got Drunk Together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Have a Drink On Me

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I’d been toying with this sort of installment for a while but it only really worked when I wrote it in the 3rd person.  
> So I did.  
> It might be a bIt weird reading this one given that the rest of this series so far has been in the 1st person. You can either go with it, ignore it or read it and pretend it never happened. It doesn’t really fit in to any particular timeline for this series, it’s just a little interlude that I had the urge to write and it slotted into this series better than in my other ones.
> 
> WARNING: VOMIT AHEAD.
> 
> FYI – the bit at the end. I imagined Tony setting up some sort of instant messenger type thing for everyone in the Tower.
> 
> Enjoy. Or don’t. Either way. 
> 
> Once again, title is an AC/DC song.

_**The Night Before** _

“You need to come get your girl Barton,” Darcy is slurring into the phone.  Clint has to hold his own away from his ear slightly thanks to the noise on the other end of the line.  “She’s got.....Deej! DEEEEEEEEEEJ!!! Dude, you’re gonna...... EEEEWWWWW! Barton, just come get her, ‘k?”

Clint sighs when Darcy hangs up, a heavy, all knowing sigh that has Phil arching an eyebrow at him from over the top of his reading glasses.  Clint pinches the bridge of his nose, takes a deep breath and grabs the keys to his car.

“I’ll go get a bucket to put by the side of the bed,” Phil says with that quirk of his lips that says he know full well what sort of state DJ is going to be in when Clint gets her home.  Clint gives Phil a brief kiss before he’s out the door and on his way to collect what sounds like a horrendously drunk DJ.

Despite the fact that most S.H.I.E.L.D. agents have a fairly badass reputation, they all have their weaknesses.  And although DJ projects a fairly invincible persona, she can’t handle her drink, spirits specifically.  Clint had known the inevitable outcome of tonight when DJ had come bounding home to the tower saying that she was going on a girl’s night out with Darcy, Natasha, Maria, Jennifer and Pepper.  It was always going to end in a mess and when Clint pulls up outside the bar, that world weary sigh escapes him again.

Darcy and Natasha are propping DJ up between them, the latter looking almost greener than Jennifer.  Which, considering that Jennifer is She-Hulk, is no mean feat.  DJ looks absolutely wretched and barely conscious by the looks of it.  Clint gets out the car and hurries over, choosing to ignore the absolutely wicked grin on Natasha’s face.

“Come on,” Clint says to DJ as he takes her face in his hands so that he can see her properly.  “Time to go home.”

“Clin’?” DJ croaks and just talking seems to turn her even greener.  She retches but nothing comes up, clearly having emptied her stomach back in the club.

“Yeah, it’s me babe,” Clint smiles and DJ flops towards him, face buried in his chest.  He manages to get a hold of her before she slides to the sidewalk when Darcy and Natasha let go.  Clint turns a questioning glare on the redhead.

“Jaeger bombs,” Natasha answers with a shrug before turning on her heel and going back into the bar.

“Make sure you take care of my little Deejy-Smeejy,” Darcy sing-songs, giving her best friend a kiss on the back of the head and dancing off after Natasha before Clint can reprimand her. 

“Let’s get you home and in bed,” Clint murmurs into the top of DJ’s head, her hair smelling of syrupy liquor and acrid vomit.  He steers her towards the car, having to half carry her so that she doesn’t fall flat on her face.  He props her up on the side of the SUV, glad he’d brought Phil’s S.H.I.E.L.D. wagon rather than his own GTO or Odin forbid, Lola.  It means that it’s easier to manhandle DJ up into the passenger seat which he does with surprising ease.  Once she’s in, he opens the window all the way and gingerly closes the door which DJ then flops against.  After rushing around to the driver’s side and climbing in, Clint is about to pull away from the curb when DJ makes an alarming gurgling sound.

“Out the window sweetie,” Clint coaxes, leaning over to make sure that DJ manages to lift her head up enough to aim out the open window.  There’s nothing left so she just makes painful retching noises and Clint decides that she needs to be in bed sooner rather than later. 

It’s only a 10 minute drive back to the Tower and Clint sends his silent thanks to JARVIS when the elevator ride is smoother than usual (if that’s even possible) and a little slower to avoid upsetting DJ’s stomach more than necessary.  She’s a heavy weight against him and Clint is starting to get a little worried that this could be more than just too much alcohol.

“Baby, did you eat tonight?” Clint says in a low voice as the elevator slows to a stop at their floor.  He feels DJ shake her head against his shoulder where it’s lolling and he growls a little.  That means that she hasn’t eaten since lunch.  “Boss is gonna be pissed....”

“D’n tell’m,” DJ slurs, bringing her head up to meet Clint’s eyes with her own which are glassy and struggling to focus on him. 

“Think it’s safe to say he’s gonna guess,” Clint says as the elevator doors open.

“Guess what?” Phil’s voice greets them as Clint mostly carries DJ out into the living room.

“N’thn,” DJ replies, trying to stand up by herself and failing miserably.  Clint make an eating gesture with his free hand and shakes his head which makes Phil’s shoulders sag as he sighs, coming over to take a hold of DJ so that Clint can head to the kitchen.

“You didn’t eat tonight, did you?” Phil says quietly, guiding DJ towards the bedroom.  “What have I told you about that?”

“M’hi mtab’sm,” DJ frowns, trying and failing to get her mouth to form the words ‘high metabolism’.  Most S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who are out in the field have to train hard, DJ and Clint more than most seeing as they have to keep up with the other Avengers.  That means a higher metabolism than most other agents.  The fact that DJ hasn’t eaten since lunch and then, from what Phil can smell, drunk the bar dry, is not a good thing.

“I’ll deal with you properly tomorrow.  For now though, you need to try and eat something then I’m putting you to bed,” Phil says, his voice taking on his Agent Coulson tone and whatever reflexes that DJ has left try to snap her into parade rest.  Which sparks another round of retching.  Phil reaches deftly for the bucket by the bed, not that DJ needs it.

Clint and Phil spend the next hour coaxing DJ into eating 2 slices of dry toast and downing close to 3 pints of water.  She keeps asking for coffee but Phil calmly nixes that idea each time.  Clint struggles to get her undressed, only managing to get her down to her underwear.  He gives up and leans over her to rearrange the pillows behind her a little better. That’s the point that DJ squashes her face against his stomach and wraps herself around the archer like an octopus, refusing to let go.

“Come on Lissy, you’re gonna want to brush your teeth,” Clint chuckles, trying to prise DJ’s arms from around his waist.  Her reply is muffled by his stomach and he looks over at Phil with a pleading look. 

“Can you get your jeans off like that?” Phil asks.

“Yeah.”

“Then I suggest you take them off and get into bed,” Phil smiles fondly at Clint who sighs and does what his boyfriend suggests.  He shucks his jeans and socks and climbs into bed with DJ.  She uses her legs to wrap around him further and before Clint has even got comfortable, she’s out for the count.

Phil’s smile widens and he busies himself getting ready for bed before climbing in with his lovers.  The archer checks over the side of the bed for the bucket and when he’s happy that it’s within arm’s reach, gets as comfortable as he can with DJ still clinging to him.  When he brings his eyes up to seek out Phil, he finds the agent looking at the pair of them with such fondness that Clint can’t help smiling at him.

“If she’s sick on me in the middle of the night, I blame you,” Clint grumbles but there’s no heat in it, especially not with the smile pastered across his face.

“Uh-huh,” Phil grins back.  “JARVIS?”

_Yes Phil?_

“Can you please monitor DJ’s vitals until the morning?” Phil asks as he reaches for the bedside light.

_Already doing so Phil.  Everything seems within normal range but I will alert you should that change._

“Thanks J,” Clint yawns, reaching out for Phil with his free arm and pulling him close.

_You’re welcome Master Barton._

“Clint.  Sweet dreams buddy.”

_And to you Clint._

****   ****   ****   ****   ****   ****

**The Next Afternoon**

 

**_AgentPussy: has entered the conversation_ **

**_Lewis69 has entered the conversation_ **

****

**_Lewis69:_ ** _Hows the head Jaeger Queen?_ _J_

**AgentPussy:** DYYYIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGG.......

**_Lewis69:_ ** _Such a lightweight :D_

**AgentPussy:** I’m never drinking again.

**_Lewis69:_ ** _Lies! So, coming out again tonight?_

**AgentPussy:** NEVER. AGAIN.

**_Lewis69:_ ** _We could go out for dinner first this time.  How about streak? A nice, big fat juicy steak._

**AgentPussy:** Urgh, shut up or i’ll puke.

**_Lewis69:_ ** _I know you like ‘em rare.  Picture it. All bloody and yummy. Are you picturing it?_

**_Lewis69:_ ** _Deej?_

**_Lewis69:_ ** _DEEEEEEEEEJ!!!_

**_Lewis69:_ ** _Hey, where’d you go?_

**_Lewis69:_ ** _COME BACK!_

**AgentPussy:** I hate you.


End file.
